“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”—Janet Fitch (White Oleander)
“Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy - in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other.”—Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert A. Heinlein
Today is Sunday school rally day, which involves one combined service at 10 a.m. instead of two at 8:45 a.m. And 10:45 a.m. This gives me almost an hour of extra sleep, which means my shenanigans with Mary last night have gone relatively un-punished in a cosmic sense. These Sundays are easy in comparison.
“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.”—Paulo Coelho
There is nothing so tenacious as a German with a point to make. It astounds me how one can pick up an argument the minute the organist is encountered in the hall, as if nothing but a breath had passed between Thursday night and Sunday morning. No greeting is necessary. Let us, pray, simply begin by arguing where we left off. Surely her logic followed her all the days of her week.
I was caught by surprise. Silly girl, thinking that this was settled. With a German Chorister, nothing is ever settled. Unless, of course, the white flag is erected immediately and permanently hung. Even admitting that I’m wrong does little to stop the flow of complaints. I must hear them out at least twice before they are satisfied I have understood.
“You do not have to sit outside in the dark. If, however, you want to see the stars, you will find that the darkness is necessary. But the stars neither require it or demand it.”—Annie Dillard Teaching a Stone to Talk
The rain is coming down sideways and the thunder is making me wish I had tea and a novel instead of coworkers and office politics.
It’s hard to come in every day and face the same frustrations. Rinse overnight. Repeat as desired. Monotony. Stress. Frustration. Is it Friday yet? I could use a motivational breakthrough, but instead I feel dangerously close to a breakdown. Let’s hope this isn’t a trajectory to breakouts or breakups.
Christ. Can someone please tell me that deadlines means something in their universe? They don’t seem to exist in mine.
“History shows that modern-day schooling started with the Industrial Revolution, but many still refuse to accept that the people who funded its inception did not have children’s education as their main priority. Men like Rockefeller and Carnegie wanted good obedient workers to take the jobs they needed filled. They didn’t want free-thinking students to reach their potential; they wanted a large dumbed-down class, just disciplined and smart enough to show up on time and work their factory jobs.”—4 Reasons to Change the Way We Think About School (via jazzonia)
“The human race is a monotonous affair. Most people spend the greatest part of their time working in order to live, and what little freedom remains so fills them with fear that they seek out any and every means to be rid of it.”—The Sorrows of Young Werther, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
As much as there are really aggravating things about my life right now, and as much as it doesn’t at all look the way I want my life to look, I need to live the now, not the someday. I need to remember that each day contributes to my final picture, and if I live them in anger (even under the pretense of a waiting period such as this) I will have to carry that anger. I don’t want that. I’ll keep to myself such measures as I care for.
So as much as today was a staff-meeting-Tuesday with a lot of inter-office-political drama, I will celebrate the fact that I was sweating in a yoga class at 6:30 a.m. I will exault in the sunrise I witnessed. I will remember the crispness of September morning air on my walk home. I’ll relish the bear-hug I got last night after a stressful day. I will leave today’s corporate worries at work and go to guide young ones toward a love and understanding of music. I’ll take joy in the small and ordinary text messages from someone special instead of constantly straining toward someone else’s definition.
“From our first babblings to our last word, we make but one statement, and that is our life.”
“I’ve always hated Mondays, the whole lot of them. Too much whiplash, snapping the tired masses to attention. God’s way, perhaps, of reminding us that we are not masters of our fate, no matter how deluded we became during the weekend respite.”—Losing Julia, Jonathan Hull
And so it begins. I’m sitting here listening to my ex-military chaplain and retired lawyer preach to me in German. I am not fluent or caffeinated and I currently feel more than a little resentful of this whole religious business.
My choir has already had their first hissy fit of the year—and we haven’t even begun regular rehearsals yet. *sigh* I can’t say I’m looking forward to Thursday night. At least I know I won’t miss this part of my life next year.
1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2. susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3. disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents.
4. a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret: The bankruptcy of the business was a shame. It was a shame you couldn’t come with us.
–verb (used with object)
5. to cause to feel shame; make ashamed: His cowardice shamed him.
6. to drive, force, etc., through shame: He shamed her into going.
7. to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.
That’s a lot of really ugly things to feel. I’ve had to wrestle with this emotion lately, and I hate it more now than I did as a child. I’m being faced with some interesting questions.
Do I trust my actions enough to permanently renounce this particular concept for all time and in all directions? Yes. I am confident that I know my truth. I trust my choices. I also have faith in my right to make mistakes, which squeezes shame right out of the picture. I “am not born to shame. Upon my brow shame is ashamed to sit; for ‘tis a throne where honour may be crowned Sole monarch.” I reject your lack of grace. I extend mercy to myself. I refuse to carry the shame you want me to feel.
Bernard Shaw has a healthy view: ”We live in an atmosphere of shame. We are ashamed of everything that is real about us; ashamed of ourselves, of our relatives, of our incomes, of our accents, of our opinion, of our experience, just as we are ashamed of our naked skins.” Well, no longer. Hear me, world. I am not ashamed.